Or what could I say in order to compel a lady quite contrary to violently vomit frozen rain?

In fact, what is perhaps the closest near-perfect rhyme for the all-too-common social justice slogan, "Protect gay Clefairy"?

That's right: Project Hail Mary.

As it turns out, also a movie.

Featuring:

Emma Seligman - Shiva Baby + Bottoms Zach Cregger - Barbarian + Weapons Sean Baker - Red Rocket + Anora The Daniels - Everything Everywhere All at Once Clint Bentley - Train Dreams Denis Villeneuve - Dune + Dune: Part Two Ryusuke Hamaguchi - Drive My Car + Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy

• Trampolining is the Problem - Our Butts are Aching
• Teaching Idiots to Pilot - Oh Boy, Airplane Armageddon!
• Two Inches, Ten Pregnancies - Orgy Blunders at Armidale
• Take 'im to Paris - Oooh Bonjour, Ami Ancien

But this week, weirdly, it stands for Throw in the Pal - One Battle After Another.

Go figure.

Well you'd best get set for this episode all about a Pretty Woman, and the pretty cool men (who aren't afraid to show off their sensitive side) who might just be head-over-heels or hawk-over-tuah for this happy go lucky hullabaloo of a motion picture. Get yourself into gear and rub yourself til it hurts for Gere and Roberts in this charming, possibly dated tale of finding love in a hopeless place.

- Are you now or have you ever worn a mask made of your victims' skin?

- Do teenagers having intercourse near moonlit lakes make you murderous with rage?

- Has the queer community inexplicably claimed you as an aspirational figure?

- Have you recently begun to suspect that you are essentially immortal?

- Does blood make you climax?

If the answer to all of these is yes, you're either-- sorry to say -- one of the Pals, or -- congratulations! -- a horror icon! Maybe we talk about you in this episode?

Only one way to find out!

That's got a ring to it, and I like the look of ya, through my silver monocle.

Good gracious, now that I get a closer look, I recognise you as that Spanish EDM music producer who also happens to be devoutly Christian. Yes, indeed it is, the renowned ¡Dub Lós Heaven! How charming to make your acquaintance, though I'm sorry to see you have a small gash on the side of your face. I suppose it's not a major gash, just a small mark, a mar-teeny, as it were.

Well, toodlepip, I'm off to my favourite theme park, with the newly opened earthquake simulator where there used to be a virtual whirlpool. I'm looking forward to finally being shaken, not stirred.

GOLDENEYE!

And of course, in case we don't see ya, good Pal-ternoon, good Pal-vening and good Pal!

Just a giant liz-aaa-aaard?

Would he have big riz-aaa-aaah?

Or would could he just be our Paaaaaaaaaaal?

Some films, if rated an eleven, hallowed be thy name; will this be one? Wouldn't that be fun, if we all gave this movie an eleven? Give us today not too wide a spread; and Frank give us our Marcuses, as we give Frank those who Marcus against us; and lead us not into Tom-tation, but deliver us more podcasts. For the pal-dom, the pal-der, and the glor-pal are yours, Pal and forever. Pal-men.

Anyway, enjoy the episode.

"Frankly, my dear, I don't throw a Pal!"

"Here's throwing at you, Pal."

"There's no Pal like throw."

"I'll throw what she's Paling."

"You wanna throw how I got these Pals?"

"I love the throw of naPALm in the morning."

Now, it's the Pals' turn to do some lines, in this week's Short n Sweet: Best One Liners!

Held a real "je ne sais quoi"

So we decided to go buckwild

Hi there, it's the monkey who writes the blurbs for Throw in the Pal here! Eagle-eyed viewers will recognise that the above is an acrostic poem, using the acronym VHS as its basis, as this Short 'n Sweet is all about VHS classics from the Pals' childhoods. Some real indulgent shit, I'd say, but whadda I know: I'm just a monkey, ooh ooh, ah ah, you get it. Anyway, students of arithmetic will also note that there are only three letters in VHS, and thus three lines is all I'm morally permitted to write, lest the very laws of poetry be forsaken all in the name of a podcast minisode. Perish the thought. Finally, please consider listening to this podcast and telling your friends so that there can be a fomentation of some online outrage and a possible liberation for me, the Blurb Monkey, from my hellish fate. I ever so miss the sun.

We apologise for the misunderstanding. Please enjoy this week's Short n' Sweet on the performances of Robert De Niro.

Not just one or two,

Not just one or two,

There's a third for you.

Mr Affleck sadly naffed it, wasn't made for Gotham habits

Robert Patz beat the stats, made for such a brilliant Bats

Then there's Christian, sure do miss 'im, even when he's hissy fittin'

But this here Michael is an eyeful, with a chin that's most delightful

And Nicholson's a tricky one, who cackles like Don Rickles, hon!

Throw in the Pal, oh give in now, before we have a mighty row

And the rest, as they say, is Pal-story...

Pal-lelujah!

"Who's there?" comes a reply.

"Bob," the man responds.

"Uh huh, Bob Down, I suppose?" says the now-wary voice emanating from the cabin. "I've heard that one before, mate! You'll hafta do better than that."

"Now, look here," Bob implores, "I'm a simple man named Bob, and I'd like a place to stay for the night."

"No jokers admitted, sorry." And with that, the man will hear no more.

Later, when Bob tells this story to his Pals, he is effusive about the rudeness of the proprietor and the exhaustion he endured making his way to another establishment for the evening.

However, Bob is always insistent that the dwelling itself was a handsome venture, a property of stout build and an inviting aura, as whatever grumblings he might have about his lacklustre experiences trying to procure a bed for the night, none of that in and of itself should be construed as a Knock at the Cabin.

I hate the way they laugh.

I hate that they’re so out of touch,

I hate the constant gaffes.

I hate the way that their do bits,

I hate it when they sing,

I hate these opinionated sh!ts,

And I really f$&@in' hate it when they sing.

I hate the fact that they are always around,

Even though the pod’s hit a wall,

But mostly I hate that they can’t rhyme,

Not any one of them, not a single Pal.

And we're talking bout Wicked

Massive hit of the year

So take a break from all your worries and lend us an ear

On the stages of Broadway, born and raised

Where this musical originated back in the days

Of George Bush, Usher and low-rise jeans

It sure was a hit of grandiloquent means

Elphaba's green, and people are mean

"What's up with that?" I suppose you might scream

Well it's a metaphor, stupid, for prejudiced people

And how rejecting diversity can be terribly lethal

Wicked Wicked Wicked, what a crazy little movie

Chic-a chic-a chic-a, scooby dooby dooby

R is recording a film podcast

O is "Oh my gracious, this is so outrageous!"

Z is the zillion times we've all heard Elsa's sing-song rhymes

So E's enough of the poem mode

N so now we can listen to the episode

[Sung to the tune of L-O-V-E but then it just sorta falls apart, I guess]

Enjoy the latest Throw in the Pal!

A WWE wrestler whose whole shtick is a little too confusing and niche to get picked up by the mainstream!

A band that plays math-rock mixed with noise punk whose members don't grasp the nuances of mixing or songcraft!

A location that a kid who gets bullied too much at a stereotypical American High School in the '80s spends a lot of his time!

Question: what do these things all have in common? Everybody knows they're all called The Hurt Locker!

Better yet, what's an accurate description for a speeding motorist?

Or, if you're feeling cheeky, what's the best way of describing the means by which each of the Pals lost his virginity?

If you answer is, "In a car", you're correct.

But "Fast & Furious" also works.

“In,” sighed Out, too.

Well, f$%ckle-dee-dee, have we got an ep for you! Straight from the list of highest grossing films of all times, it’s time for Inside Palt 2!!!

Has Frank lost his mind?

Pulling high scores out of his behind!

Marcus will give his all

Cos this film didn't really make him go, "Whoa!"

Is Tom alive or dead?

Will he shut the f#%k up for once so we can listen to a single thing that someone else has said?!

We'll just leave it there

But listen if to the ep if you think you'd care

[Instrumental Break]

What is the Italian translation of Fast and the Furious?

What would be a surprisingly tasteful name for a furry convention?

The answer to all three, of course, is Furiosa!

Come get gassed up with some high-octane diesel as the Pals steer this V8 ep into a hydraulically-hectic ignition of epic Pal-portions.

CARS!

Anyway, listen to this week's episode of Throw in the Pal, which is about a movie called Magic Mike.

Q: I'm here today for Primetime Pals, interviewing our latest guest: an honest-to-God vampire!

V: The world is a murky tomb and I am its deathless curator.

Q: Uh-huh, sounds great! So, what's it like being a prince of darkness, a scourge upon the lifeblood of us mortals, an exsanguinator par excellence?

V: Oh, y'know, it's pretty drab.

Q: I'm sure that's not true! Why, sitting before me right now is one resplendent fellow, dressed to the nines, your mane of hair set perfectly, with the porcelain pallidness of a marble statue.

V: [sigh] I'm terribly sad.

Q: ...ok. Well, why don't you give us some insight into the enthralling, devious behaviour your bloodlust has drawn out of you?

V: I mean, what's the point of it all, really?

Q: Jesus Christ, mate, you're a f%&king bummer, aye?

V: I just miss Lestat so much.

Q: Who's Lestat, another albino sad boy?

V: He was a deranged, pansexual madman who wrought bloody havoc every which way he went.

Q: WHERE'S THAT GUY?! He sounds like tons of fun!

V: I set him on fire and fed him to an alligator.

Q: Ok, now that's interesting! Tell me more.

V: It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'll never forgive myself.

Q: Gah, you're insuffera-Pal!

Brando be thy name;

thy meatballs yum;

thy hothead Sonny

in dirt cause he was too reckless.

Give us this day a masculine child.

And forgive us our Clemenzas,

as we forgive those who use horse heads against us.

And leave the gun but not the cannoli,

and deliver us some pizza.

For thine is the business,

the Italian and American story,

bada bing, bada boom. Pal-men.

So he took all that naysaying and turned it into dance

Boxing was the manly sport, but Billy's toes were twinklin',

Which caught the eye of Mrs Weasley and gave her quite an inlkin'

That this wee bairn might make it far, achieve more than the plan he

Had for himself, if only he'd get a gander at a fanny*

*This has been a poem brought to you by Throw in the Pal's department of good and normal content, and by reading it to the very end you forfeit all legal recourse against the Pals for having written it in the first place. Please listen to our podcast, where the word 'fanny' is only used when Palbsolutely necessary.

Maiming Jamie

Death to Beth

Slaughter Daughter

Murder Jurder

And all the rest, but we don’t want to keep you here P-all day, so we’ll leave it there. For this episode of Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)…Will the pals kill BIll or kill each other?

"Not much," you might respond, a lilt of anticipation tremoring in your voice as you ask us, the Pals, "How about you guys?"

And, predictably and hilariously enough, we'd respond, "Oh, we've been veeerrry well."

...

Wait, f$%k, I mean, "We're doin' good!"

No, that's not it, actually it's, "Yes, we're Dune, and you 2?"

MOTHERF#%@$R!

"Nice 2 Dune you!"

There it is!

Join us on our journey to discover the true Lisan Pal Gaib in this week's episode of Dune 2 (2024).

Hoo-ray!

Or a crazed footballer trying to score

We know that you're simply dying for more

Of the Pals in this ep on The Iron Claw (2024)

They'll wrestle together over wayward o-Pal-inions

While testing the bounds of their strange ways of thinkin'

And like a sweet dove with many strained pinions

Alight softly on friendship, the safest dominion

Can you eat ‘em? Can you take ‘em out on an airplane and play with ‘em without getting into trouble? Can you go one day without someone getting on your case about holding onto ‘em for too damn long?

For most of those, the answer is fairly self-evident, even if you’ve become confused somewhere in the middle and started thinking about testicles instead, which seems to be turning into a habit for you.

Balls: round and other-shaped, big and not so big, they’re the engine of all worthwhile sport, and watching sport is the more worthwhile version of watching movies. And so, together at last, the Pals get into some Ball Sports!

To supplement words when we lack any wit?

Are we driven to taste what someone has eaten?

Does it lift up our spirits when our will has been beaten?

And what about watching others lock lips?

What's up with that? Seems sorta suspish...

Are we perverts, romantics or something between

When we're moved by the smackin' we see on the screen?

This rhyme holds no answers, all truth is amiss

So pucker up, Pals, and give us a kiss!

Why durst we cry when we're happy 'n sad?

Is it cos of the burden of being, me lad?

The land-lubbers cling to their dirt and their dwellin,

While seafaring cineastes're like to be yellin'

For somethin' twixt joy and a tidal despair

That costs naught but yer tears, so buyer's beware!

In venturin' this far, you're showing some foul

Inclination to voyage, and to Throw in the Pal

Movie: from the bovine "moo", meaning "good" and the French "viè", meaning "Who?!"

Pals: from the Sesame Street letter of the day "P", for "Pugsley" and the suffix "-als", meaning "etc."

That's a quick etymology lesson to explain why this week's episode is called Short n Sweet - Christmas Movies with the Pals!

Merry Christmas everyone!

Is it simply something that makes one sick?

Behaving quite twattish or acting a dick?

Something involuntary a tic?

The Pals aren't sure either, so they've made a quick

Installment that deals with actors that prick

Their hairs up on end, or make their sight thick

With visions of red due to anger, so stick

Around for this ep (especially if you're name's Rick!)

Do we love or do we hate it? Guess you’re gonna sorta see!

Or actually, you’ll listen up, ‘cos podcasting’s an audio

Endeavour and it’s better if you focus, as you oughta know

Are they takin’ shots at Disney, rippin’ into anime?

Maybe they’re too busy just to let each other have a say

Regardless – and remember that they’re known to riff and rowel –

Get ready for this Short n’ Sweet of Throw in the Pal!

Whether regular scaled or Norwegian horned.

The Pals have all gathered to watch it transpire, in this Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005).

Full of challenging tasks, for only the boldest sort

Full of mazes and mermaids, and dark lord Voldemort.

In this world of deception and mad, tricky thieves

You'll need lots of spunk, and some old Gillyweeds

And if Moaning Myrtle doth help you while peeping through bubbles,

Do all that you can to keep well out of troubles.

So Pal-t if you must, through we prefer smiles,

As we three discuss Potter for just a short whiles.

What's faster than a speeding bullet, redder than a flaming devil and unlikely to leave you sexually satisfied? Well, just like at a free-for-all tulip tussle, this week you're just gonna have to try and take your pick, because it's either one of the three pals or Andy Muschietti's The Flash (or both!). Yes, that's right, we watched the latest in the DCEU filmography, and now it's everyone else's problem. Find out if the pals have a hard time enduring this critically panned movie because you know misery loves comPalny or maybe they'll Flash a big grin and Get Nuts in the speed force! Please consider listening, or -- in lieu of that -- enjoying this Pal-indrome we wrote that we feel captures the film's merits:

Anti movie; I vomit, na!

Michael Keaton's here to stay

In a Raymond Carver play

Edward Norton going meta in this onstage show

All in one shot, so it seems

Dashed and damned artistic dreams

And there's Galifankankis, as if you didn't know

Close the curtains, quick now

Certain there's a sick crowd

Loving this implosion of the path this man has chosen

Why we gotta be so mean, critics hog the big screen

And the boards and literati, Riggan's gonna try fly

Watch the Birdman go higher

Floating on and cruising from his own delusion

Pals gonna be inspired

Cos this movie's rooting and it's also tootin

Get bent, pals!

The first fella sighs forlornly, as the other asks:]

"Hey, what's wrong there, buddy?"

"Oh, nothing. I just... [a spry piano arpeggio is heard] I wish there were more colours."

"Whadda ya mean, glum-bum?"

"Well... [to the beat of a jaunty tune] we have blue for the skies and the seas..."

"That's true."

"Green on the grass, far as I can see..."

"Black for the nights..."

"And yellows for days..."

"Purples for blurples..."

"And suits made of greys! Yet there's no special colour for the feelings I have."

"What feelings are those? Are they terribly sad?"

"No! It's of laughter, of play and delight!"

"Well, I've got a colour that I think is just right?"

"Really?!"

"Yeah, it's pink."

"Oh, sh#$t, I forgot about pink."

"I remembered cos I just saw the Barbie movie."

"Any good?"

"Only one way to find out: tune into the Pals brand new episode where they discuss just that, Greta Gerwig's pink billion-dollar smash hit, and the cultur-Pal event of the year!"

"Why are you yelling?"

"BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"

"THAT MAKES SENSE!"

P is for the Particles we see

P is very, very Presidenti-Pally scary

E is Even more than any bombs we've seen before

Nolan has made a spectacle for you

Hydrogen will be part of bomb number two

Eeeeeee, that Casey Affleck's frightenin'

Is this boring or enlighthenin'?

Matt Damon's a sexy dude

Ending's ambiguous too

Ready for the Pals' take on this truuuuuue... story.

If you like podcast streams

We’ve got you, we hear you

That is why we put this show on

For, in this here instance,

We’ve made a decision

To discuss Titanic for so long

Shower or car, wherever you are

We just need you to listen

Please listen as we go on

[Song ends abruptly as Billy Zane screams something iconic]

Please, we ask you ever so Pal-litely, to tune into this week’s episode on James Cameron’s oft-heralded and just as oft-derided 1997 film Titanic.

Oh, and maybe the distant dimension is a land of James Spader crushes, irrationally high scores, and Egyptian style Pal-ramids...

An American lad always took for a chump

He journeyed so far and incrediby wide

While Bubba and Dan came along for the ride

Yes Forrest

The dim-witted man who could run

FUN!

This week the Pals are chasing down the all-time '90s classic, Robert Zemeckis' Academy Award-winning mainstay about a slow man who lived life in the fast lane. Tune in for stories of Jenny on the lam, plenty of Vietnam and shrimp boats full of dim folks, as well as some once-in-a-lifetime encounters with US Presidents, soft-spoken Beatles and none other than Elvis Pal-resley himself!

That got infected and quickly unfurled,

With monkeys filled with rage let out of there cage,

And everything imploded,

After a whiiiiiile! 🎶

Specifically, that short while was 28 Days Later (2002), the guerrilla style zombie flick from Danny Boyle that brought Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris into our lives and the firelight of a dying world, splattered with grim visions of our potential Pal-ocalypse.

"Whose in there?"

"In Bruges, yeah!"

So now, not only do you have a cool new knock-knock joke that’ll make you the life of the party, you also get to listen to the Pals’ waxing poetic all about In Bruges (2008), a cult classic of Irish proportions that also doubles as a travelogue of perfectly-preserved medieval Belgium, that tells a tale of morality, boredom, responsibility and cocaine that’ll have you singin’ “Oh, Pally boy, the pipes, the pipes are Palling!”

Bon Ap-pal-tite!