Actual P- Log || #1

I notice that I don't need him. I watched a stupid adventure time tikok where Jake (The Dog) was like throwing his favorite mug out of the window because he was trying to teach fin about attachment, and he said, “This is literally my favorite mug (throws it out of the window) Now it doesn't matter anymore because its gone, and not real”. This part really stuck out to me because I noticed that I cling on to my addiction of pictures, of memories thinking that if he was like this once, he can be like this again. I always want to find the good in people, and find how I can help them and make this better. I was always like that as a kid, and I noticed that I need to leave it behind because I can’t save everyone, and that's okay, because I realized, that he no longer exist to me. I also notice, the thoughts of him aren’t that consuming anymore. I no longer think of him when I wake up, or when I go to school. Not when I’m studying or around his home, and yet when I do, I just remind myself, that its just a memory, and no more than that a picture that I hold close to my heart.

↳ hope you enjoyed this silly little noticing of mine

My letter (Back Story):

To the one whom I loved for all my teenage years,

This letter my never reach you and that is okay. I hope you can feel my heart even from all the way over here. XXX, if you are listening to me, I wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. I wanted to tell you that I will forever and always be thankful for everything that you gave me. Thank you for all the laughs and smiles, thank you for every kiss and hug. For all the times you held me close to your heart and when you wiped my tears. Thank you for every goodnight and good morning, for every moment spent with you. I can lie all I want and think that you were a waste of space, a waste of time, but you and I both know I would never say that. I would never say that I hate you or that I regretted what we have… but the truth is, I will always keep a piece of you in my heart and deep in my soul. I’ll always sleep on the left side of the bed, and grow my hair out long and keep it black. I’ll always make extra snacks for the people close to me incase they’re hungry. I’ll keep wearing my glasses because you thought I looked beautiful even with them on. I’ll always cherish The Amazing Spider-Man and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. For every single moment I spent with you was loveable. Every argument, every hateful word, every, “I bile you”. I loved it. Now, you may think every great moment we held is enough to fuel our relationship, but it’s not. Our epic chapter is finally over and we don’t need to come back and create a sequel because everytime we made a comeback, it was hell. The way I loved you was intoxicating and toxic. It was an addiction. You were my favorite drug and I know this because I would still shatter everything I just cleaned up, for you. Just for one moment in your room. Just for one more, “I love you”, for one more game of fall guys, for one more moment at pho mama at the number 2 booth. I smile at the memories of us, for they brought me immense joy within my heart but I also know that the boy I fell in love with no longer exist, and that is okay. The XXX that lives in my heart isn’t who you are now, it’s the boy who sat down next to me that fateful day in sophomore year in class 314. But maybe, just maybe in another life it is just me and you against the whole world mahal… pero hindi na man. Pang ibaba ng puso ko, salamat sa lahat mahal, parang mamahalin ako, kahit na hindi ng ngayon .

While I may have been a great experience, I knew you were my everything.

→ Forever and always,

Your Sam

Actual P- Log || #2

I notice, I no longer need him. Currently I just wrote such a silly and long letter to him, thanking him for whatever he did to me, and being honest. I’m grateful. I’m thankful it was him that I got to experience my first love with. Such a silly guy in highschool whom I gave my heart and soul to. He was,everything to me. My night and day, my morning coffee and stretch. Although he may appear to be a villain to most, to me he was my favorite character in my story. He doesn’t exist to me anymore and that is okay. I keep telling everyone he took a piece of my heart when he left, and that he did, but my heart filled it. My heart is finally okay. I’m finally okay.

↳ hope you enjoyed this silly little noticing of mine